Life Raft
by SlvrSoleAlchmst1
Summary: [Hinted shounen ai: Dearka x Yzak] When the two boys faced each other that fateful day on the battlefield, neither spoke their true feelings. What will they say once they have time to think about the result of their actions? A rather angsty drabble.
1. Yzak

"_Yzak…"_

"_Did you think I'd be naïve enough to believe the words of an enemy?"_

"…_Have I become your enemy now?"_

God, I never meant to hurt you, Dearka. I only wish you could somehow know that. If only I weren't so stubborn, or blind…or cruel. I didn't mean those things I said, but you still don't know that, and it's all my fault. I wish I wasn't so scared of you. I wish I hadn't been missing you so much when we met again. I'd have told you what I really meant, and then maybe I wouldn't be feeling this burning, tearing sensation that I'm experiencing right now.

That feeling is for you.

I've been feeling it longer than I can remember now, but I ached even more desperately the moment I caught that glimmer in your violet eyes. Those eyes of yours, making me weak with a longing that I can't seem to put into words. All I can say is that I needed you at that moment, when you stood so determined in front of me; I wanted you to take away all the misery I felt when you weren't there. You stood before me, and yet, I pushed you away. I pierced you with my hateful words, broke you. I could see in your eyes exactly what I'd done. Jesus, I'm so sorry.

How is it you stayed so calm? Why didn't you lose your control? Even when I yelled, you only allowed your cool gaze to wash over me, and you kept trying. You fought for me, for us. For what we ought to have been, and what we could have been if it wasn't for my foolish pride.

I wasn't strong enough to face you. I was always the weaker one. You knew that all along, and so you were there to support me. For all my talk, all my loud-mouthed, arrogant claims and selfish actions, you were beside me, and you didn't care that I was only kidding myself, kidding humanity. I still mattered to you. You meant the world to me, but I never thought I'd have to admit it aloud. Admitting it would have meant that I acknowledged your encouragement, and my pride wouldn't dare let me do such a thing.

I thought I'd have a lifetime to prove my pride wrong.

But you were suddenly lost and my pride had killed us, thwarted every attempt I could have made to tell you just how much affection I had locked away inside. It doesn't matter what I said to you before. No matter how outspoken I dared to be with my verbal lashings, nothing would have proved my loyalty to you better than my actions, had I only risked taking them. I should have seized you then and there, told you how I yearned to be with you, with _just_ you, for the rest of eternity – the rest of time!

I could end it right now, and save myself the pain of having to face you again, after hurting you so badly. I could disappear with these memories forever, take them into a realm where I could drift endlessly and never have to face this harsh world again. But it wouldn't be enough.

And besides, I'm too much of a coward.

I had no idea where you'd gone. Nicol had died, as had Miguel and Rusty long before. Athrun, with his sapphire hair and constant calm, was the only one left. I blocked him out, thinking solely of you, and where you had gone…whether you had died. The room felt desolate, without you in it. No magazines lying half-open on the floor. No light, teasing scent of your shampoo left lingering on your pillow. Empty space.

That emptiness enveloped me like some twisted serpent of bitter remorse, and I closed myself off from everything. What was the point of conscious thinking if you were the only one who permeated my thoughts? I couldn't go on that way, attached so firmly to someone who wasn't coming back.

I tried to forget you, Dearka. I tried so god damned hard to save myself from breaking at the seams.

It's not hard to tell you what I'm like. Every action taken begets competition, every word spoken is an invitation for a sly remark. I was never the type to depend on others, but you broke my barrier. You became my shield instead. You protected me from every stupid mistake I'd ever made, but this time, my mistake was too great, and now you're floating too far away for me to draw you back in again.

How I wanted to reach out and touch you as you turned your back and walked away. I wanted to grab you by the shoulder, whirl you around, scream in your face. Tell you how much I fucking missed you and make you see through me, make you realize what I'd been trying to say. I guess it was selfish to think you'd just figure it out on your own.

I knew you had enough on your mind. I didn't know what happened to you, or why you ended up on their side, but I knew you'd been changed somehow. Your violet eyes were more mature, deeper, like portals into your journeying soul. Whatever light hit you out there in space, while you and I were apart…it made you stronger and bestowed you with a strength I'll never match.

Even when I held you at gunpoint, you didn't waver. You tried until the last moment. You battled your way calmly through that blood red sea, swimming on with vain hopes of throwing me the life raft. But I wouldn't get on. I was determined to let myself drown. And my arm felt leaden as I struggled to hold that cursed gun steady.

It was because I had already steeled myself. Hardened my heart. Convinced myself you were dead.

Then you came back alive. Alive, but a traitor. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn, or what I was fighting for, or who was right. If you really had betrayed me, I was determined not to let myself get caught by grief, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I opposed you. And you opposed me back, because you wanted to rescue me and throw me that raft. But in the end, you still didn't win. I defeated you, beat you and your ideals away in order to save my own wretched mind, and yet somehow, it didn't work, and I'm still drowning.

All I know is that I need you. God, Dearka, don't leave me standing here like the fool that I know I am. Don't take my selfish lies as truth. Just come back. Please, just fucking come back and let me speak your name and hear your voice and see you smile. I'm such a fool, and I know now that it's all because of you, because you're everything to me. I know I deserve it, but don't walk away and leave me here alone.

There's still so much I have to tell you. So much I want to share. I want us to break free of this mess, move on to a place where nothing can harm us, not even me. I know you can hear me, and I'm hoping you'll listen.

Damn it, Dearka…I love you.


	2. Dearka

Oh god, Yzak. I miss you. This is tearing me apart.

I can't stay this way, knowing that all I've done has been for nothing, all because you looked at me that way with your god damned beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes that so ruthlessly pushed me away. I wanted you to understand me. I thought we had something strong enough, something powerful enough to make you realize the truth. But you don't even know. You don't know that I'm still waiting for you right now.

Or maybe you do, and you're just too stubborn to tell me. Somehow I can't bring myself to believe that.

I know it's useless. But I can't let you go. I didn't know we were destined to meet again, but I should have anticipated your reaction all the same. You stared me down with that sour look on your face. That hardened glare that told me to back off. I knew I'd crossed a line somewhere, but my heart wouldn't let me admit it. I should have stepped down, but I refused. I would have been losing everything I'd ever cared about, and I didn't want to surrender.

You don't realize how much you mean to me, do you? You never did. All you ever did was shut me out, block me, and brush me aside. And yet, through it all, I never found the strength to just let go. Maybe it's because I love you.

I tried my hardest to let you know without invading your space. All I wanted was some sort of acknowledgment, some sort of hint that you knew how I felt. I wasn't asking for anything in return. I only wanted you to see me. Not the me that smirked and got smug whenever we were teasing Athrun and Nicol. Not the me that cursed and ravaged and insulted. I guess it's my fault for not making it clearer, but I can't help but think that if only you weren't so cold, I wouldn't be so lost.

Instead I'm sitting here now, inside the belly of the Buster, trying not to think about you. Trying my hardest to forget you.

Can't you see that you aren't on the right side anymore? Didn't it strike you as odd that the war had suddenly taken an impossible turn? I know you better than that. You must have felt the unease. I didn't decide to betray our people for nothing, you know. I'm thickheaded, but not as thickheaded as you. I know when it's time to take a stand and fight for what I believe in.

That's what I've realized is different about the two of us. For a while, I was convinced that you were the one who held the power, the drive, and that impossible passion. You had ambition, something I'd always envied. But where is your ambition now? Why can't you open up to me? I'm aching inside - burning - to know what you feel right now, even if it's nothing but hatred for me.

You _should_ hate me, I suppose. I never tried to tell you that I was alive. I thought about the risk of contacting you. Not the physical risk – Jesus, I would throw myself into hell if only it meant I could have seen your face while we were apart. But my mind was frozen, and I couldn't muster the courage. To hear you speak my name or to watch you move with that sultry grace would have broken me. I was too much of a coward to handle anything of that magnitude.

I fall apart when it comes to you, damn it.

You dared to hold me pinned at gunpoint, and I should have quit right then. I should have accepted my fate. Sometimes war takes sacrifice, and I knew you would never bother to speak calmly with a traitor like me.

And yet, I know you saw the pain in my eyes. I know it hit you like a freight train. All I could do was hope you would come around. I offered you the life raft, but you didn't take it. I wouldn't allow myself to do anything further then, because I needed to know that you wanted me just as badly as I yearned for you. I needed you to tell me on your own, but you didn't.

I want to know why you decided to drown. I want to know what I did wrong, what the hell possessed you and made you decide to throw everything away like that. You thwarted my attempts, denied me even the right of simple friendship for so long, but the moment you warmed up it was finished. I went missing and so you must have steeled yourself to keep from getting hurt again. Damn it, is this all my fault to begin with?

No. You still had time to catch the raft. It wasn't out of your reach yet. The decision to just let it float was yours alone.

So I left. That hurt was like nothing I've ever felt in the past; it was like my entire being evaporated as I turned my back on you. I'd hoped in vain that you'd catch me, scream in my face and tell me you forgave me for leaving, and that you didn't want me to go. That'd be so like you.

You can't say I didn't try to save us. I tried until I weakened, pushed us to our limits. If you never talk to me again when this is through, I guess I deserve it. I just wish you could have sucked up your god damned pride long enough to say goodbye. Jesus, _is_ this goodbye? If it is, I don't think I'll make it.

I should've told you long ago that I love you. There's no question in my mind, but you were the one I was waiting on. A one-sided emotion isn't considered whole. I wanted you, but maybe I was delusional and you never felt the same at all.

I gave it my best shot, Yzak. Now all I can do is wait for you, and pray that I'm wrong and you'll somehow return to my side.

_A/N: Oh gods, the angst. I watched episode 44, "A Spiral of Encounters," right before I wrote this. Given it was the third or fourth time I've watched it, but still…the tension between Dearka and Yzak in those scenes made my heart start aching for them, and then it put me in the mood to write some really lousy teen angst. And so that's what I did. Bwahaha._


End file.
